Think Before You Speak

Every now and then people forward me thiings that I really like. These are hilarious and I have passed them on to many. Now they are here for all to read. These poor six people may never speak in public again.


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY Y:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nea rly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
We all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak

A Tribute

Lizzie Palmer is a 15 year old who put this together. If you have seen it, watch it again. Grab a Kleenex.
http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1

Still Nothing

After reading poor MG whine (would you like some cheese with that) because she hasn't had action for 3 weeks and then thinking about a hiatus i had to throw in my 2 cents. I have not had sex or anything for that matter since January when I had pity me sex with my husband. In 2 minutes it was over.Not having sex is not really a bad thing however it has it's drawbacks. For instance;
1. The other night I had the most sexual dream I can ever remember having. very fullfilling from what I remember and I think I may have actually been really getting into it and woke myself up. The vibrator in my dream was some monstrosity and I do not think they actually make them like that.
2.I have started having sexually explict dreams about people that I have never even spoke to. A teacher at my school who I randomly see in the hall every once in a while has been my new "dream" man. He hurt his leg or something and had to ride on one of those carts for a couple weeks and the only thing I have ever said is to ask him how much longer he was going to be that way.
3. My soon to be Ex even looks good.This coke addict who is thin, scrawny and sickly looking actually had me super horny and turned on not once, but twice.With that however I have figured out that it was not so much him as it it the sense of normalcy while at functions. For example, his dad's retirement party with all the family (and lots of beer.)Or a graduation party where I seriously wanted to take him in the bathroom I was in such need. Those are functions where you want to be close becasue it's natural in a family setting to hold ahnds or brush by each other. The good news is that as soon as the function was over and he opened his mouth and spoke the feeling passed.
4. After a day at the track I had dreams about RG for like 2 weeks. Then he couldn't meeet up with me in Dubuque and those stopped in a hurry.
5. There is an ab exersize at the gym that I swear could make me orgasm. ( Call me MG and I can tell ya how to do it!)

Can You Say Delusional?

So my soon to be ex-husband started off on another tangent about visitation, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he tells me that he threatens me with a lawyer because I don't treat him very good. Hello McFly, you NEED a lawyer because you will soon be in divorce court. My lawyer saw his "supposed" lawyer in the courtroom the other day and asked if she should send copies of everything to him. The man said he absolutely was NOT representing my husband and had ne recollection of ever speaking to him about this. When I made mention of this to EX on Sunday he really did not have much to say after that. YOU DO NOT HAVE A LAWYER. WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. HELLO. HELLO? HELLO! So my mom just called me to tell me a funny story. A friend of my sister saw EX at a pawn shop and he was pawning a lawn mower. Friend walked up to Ex and said< "You had better not pawn your lawn mower or you won't be able to mow your lawn. Friend then called my sisiter to have her check and see if her lawn mower was still in the shed. HE WAS PAWNING A LAWN MOWER AND HAS NO HOME!!!!!Where the hell did he get a lawn mower and think of how stupid he looked pawning it.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Aruba, Jamacia...

So a teacher at my school has a timeshare in Aruba. Last week of July through the first week of August. He said that he has invited everyone he knows to go because it is a 3 bedroom and so far the only one going is his son. He extended an invitation and I am wondering if there is anyway I could pull it off for 4-5 days financially. $40 rents a boat and gets you 3 dives and lots of Aruban rum. He is a little bit of a wild thing and I think the partying would be fabulous. 11 casinos in a 2x25 mile island, (MG this is right up your alley, maybe you should think about going with me.)Here is the creepy thing...when I was in school he was also one of my teachers so he is in his 50's and I can't tell if he hits on me or if it is just his personality. He is a riot and Aruba would be a good time. He said I would get a key and then be on my own.Maybe I should forget Vegas and actually leave the country.That would be one way to make sure what happened there stayed there.

I Got Nothing

So Dubuque with MG was fun but uneventful as far as any scandalous activity is concerned. We met a super drunk guy at the bar and after a brief discussion about how nice guys finish last and the reasoning behind it we all decided that we would rather sleep with me than smoke crack.Texted my buddy RG and he wasn't coming up. No surprise here since I think the idea of FWB scared him a little and he probably figured I had my sights set on him. I have not given up I am just waiting for the right opportunity. Maybe I can get to Milwaukee before I see him and find myself one in a different area/zip code. that may actually work best.

Friends With Benefits

Maybe I have been following MG's relationship with RS too closely.Maybe it's because I haven't had good sex in months.I am not talking the sex had between husbands and wives, I mean the down and dirty, one-night stand, pure animalistic sex that comes from letting all inhibitions go.Granted, my divorce is not final yet. (I have a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow.)However, I have either been really horny or lonely because my mind keeps wandering to sex.I am not the "one-night stand type of person".Yes I have done it and I don't pass judgement on those of you who can, but for some reason I have a horrible conscience and I think I would feel dirty afterward, (depending on how much liquor was involved I may not feel anything) So here is the question I ponder...Whenever I get around a friend (RG) things feel like this is the way it should be. I have been friends with him for 10+/- years. On my 26th birthday we had a hot make out session in his car with him informing me that since he met me he had wanted to kiss me. After that night things got a little weird in our friendship but now everything is back to normal.Except...that I can't stop wondering what it would be like to seriously just fuck his brains out. I don't know if I have true feelings for him or if I just think he is a safe bet because we have been friends for so long. Then I contemplate what that would do to our friendship. I know deep down that he is not LTR material. He loves working the night shift. I want my man home in bed. He loves working in bars, again, not my desired profession for a significant other. So, theoretically this could be the perfect FWB package. I know he will not speak of our transgressions, I don't have to worry about LTR because he isn't. So much of this is similar to MG's that I think it might work. MG and I are heading of of town in a few weeks and RG will be with me part of the day so I am hoping to have a few cocktails and convince him to stick around a while;)Is there really a man alive that waited 10 years to kiss a girl and wouldn't get her in the sack if the opportunity presented itself?