Things to Ponder

These were sent to me in an email so I can't give proper credit to whoever put these wonderful sentiments into words...

1. I like you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Dramatics

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a drama person. There is a time and place for dramatics...Mon-Fri from 11-5, these are called soap operas. I will take my boring life anyday.The warrant for my husbands arrest has not yet been issued (thanks to our county sysytem who is backed up.)The part that bothers me the most is that he has no accountability for any of his actions. He expects everyone to do things for him immediately because someway, shape or form it is owed to him, yet when anyone needs anything from him he won't reciporcate. I am soo tired of the drama that he provokes in our family that part of me wishes he would just go away. My friend assured me that eventually my daughter will stop asking for him and he will evolve into a Santa type person (you know he exisits but no one actually sees him). I will save the drama that happened on Tuesday and just say that the piece of caca is no longer allowed in my home. (Yes MG...you told me so!)At this very moment there will be a fight about to take place because he is at a place he is not supposed to be, with someone he is not supposed to be with and the person who lives in the home where he is not to be, is a cop and is on his way home.I wish I could be a fly on the wall because @#*& is going to fly, (and I hope it's his).

It's time to move on when...

your husband breaks into his parents house, steals their checkbook and writes out checks to himself. This is otherwise know as breaking and entering and fraud, both of which are felonies punishable by prison time. I think it is safe to say that he has offically hit rock bottom. Today is his 36th birthday. There is a warrant out for his arrest and I think that no matter what happens now I can rest assured that there is no way in hell that he would be able to get shared custody of my daughter. I was contemplating postponing the divorce because I am afraid the justice system would fail my daughter. He just took a whole lotta strain off me, except financially.Milwaukee Girl said that while he is making license plates for the next 5 years that he should have to send me some of that for child support. I never thought it would go this far.
On a happier note:I have a date on Thursday. Don't get too excited, this is a very good friend of mine who owed me so I am dragging him along to my work X-mas party.Yes I have made out with him before on my birthday a few years back and things were a little wierd for a while but I don't think he would be the best suited Husband #2. I haven't kissed anyone but my husband since September of '03. The excitement to start dating again and get my dream back is very thrilling. I can't compete with MG anymore, (I never could keep everyone straight like she did) but I think I may be able to get a few good stories in.

The reasons I COULD hate you

Dear Husband,
You are always mad at me, like I did something wrong. All I did was to have you committed because I loved you enough to try to save you. I have many more reasons why I COULD, if I CHOSE, to hate you.
1. You lied to me from the very beginning of our relationship.
2. You lied and manipulated and stole from me while I was pregnant.
3. Instead of coming to see your wife and daughter the day after your daughter was born you went and used drugs.
4.You abandon us when we needed you.
5.You are selfish and self-absorbed.
6. You put yourself first.
7.You don't show up to see your daughter.
8. You lied to, stole from and manipulated your parents, sister, friends,people you didn't even know.
9. The rages you have and verbally take out on me.
10. You swear and scream in front of your daughter.
11. Everything is everybody elses fault.
12. You don't care.
13. All the times you made me cry.
14.You break my daughter's heart because she loves you and doesn't understand.

The reason why I don't hate you:
You gave me the best present in the whole world when my daughter came to me and I would not trade that for anything.

Chinese Proverbs

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but if you think hard enough you may be able to apply one of these to your life. If you can't then just laugh because they are funny!

1.Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

How Do You Know For Sure

My husband now realizes all that he has lost. For the first time I saw something other than anger and rage. I saw desperation, fear and acknowledgement. I saw, through his tears, his realization of having nothing, no one. I never wanted a divorce. I wanted the person I married, although I realized I married an idea, an image of perfection if you will. I threatened filing papers in the hopes that he would realize what he was doing to our family.He didn't care. Now 3 months later, through therapy, he knows what he did. Can he ever be the image I had of him as a husband and a father? Do I dare put my life on hold once again because he is telling me the things I have wanted to hear him say for so long? I know him as a manipulator and a liar. He is not trying to get anything from me and he has come clean about a lot of things that I never thought he would speak of.Can he really beat this addiction?Do I owe it to my family to give him another chance?

Rules to a Brillaint Life

This came from an issue of Elle magazine and was written by E. Jean. There are 44 rules on her list to a Brillaint Life but I am only going to pull the ones that pertain to my situation...and maybe a couple of really good ones.
#5. If you flop at something, so what. Do something else.
#7. To achieve the marvelous, you must do the unthinkable.
#9. If you are worried that success will make you unlikable, what are you waiting for? Start acting really obnoxious right now.
#15. Sex won't bring you love,it will bring you pleasure. Get that straight or men will play you for a fool the rest of your life.
#21. Nothing exceptional will happen to you as long as you believe in fate-it will only happen when you make your own fate.
#31. Fall in love with your flaws. You will always see an enchanting reflection in the mirror.
#39. When idiots ask why you aren't married say, (in my case I was but my husband has a cocaine problem) "Why do you ask?Have they stopped selling vibrators?"
#44. Great women compare themselves to no one and never, never, ever follow rules.

Power Struggle

The hardest part of living the life with an addict is the constant battle between wanting to feel and trying not to. By allowing my husband to make me feel sorry for him and have hope and put my faith and trust in him takes away the power I have to live a complete life. I always tried to control everything. The hardest part was allowing myself to let go, control the things I can and let him suffer the choices he made. After I finally learned to do that I was a lot less tired, less stressed, happier. Unfortunately, my in-laws are just now trying to grasp this concept. (Finish this thought later, munchkin needs love)

Heading Through the Big D

So yesterday my husband came out of his foggy drug induced haze to realize that I had filed for divorce. After weeks of telling him I did and him not changing his lying, stealing, manipulative ways it hit him hard. The thing with dealing with a user is that when they start using is a good indication of their emotional maturity. I was dealing with that of a 19-22 year old.I have had weeks, no months, to prepare for this and I have already been through the grieving process.He has denied reality up to this point. I have no idea what triggered him to wake up yesterday.I now know how to deal with his tirades and the guilt trips he tries to lay on everyone. Eventually he saw the light and realized that he caused this. It has nothing to do with me not loving him anymore. It has to do with survival.In order for my daughter and I to survive we need to start a new life and move on. Tonight was family group therapy at the treatment center and I go to support my "husband". I said that if I wanted a drug problem I would be doing them myself. This is not a lifestyle that I can deal with and something got through to him. Too bad it came along too late.

The Beginning

labor day weekend 2003.OH MY GOD! were the words that came out of my mouth. OH BOY were the words I read on his lips. The music stopped and it was only the two of us in the crowded bar. Sounds cliche, but it really happened. The man that 8 years eariler had stopped dating me because his ex was back in town for the weekend was standing not 20 feet from me. He was still handsome, still had an air of confidence that reeled me in. The next night was our first date all over again. He informed me that all these years he had thought about me. Certain paintings made him think about the good woman that he let go. He called for me once, but I had left the state. Now here we were, together. He told me about his drug addictions and how he had chosen to work out of state on the road to escape that life.He took care of me. Sent me flowers and love letters when he was out of town. Made sure I had money to get through the week when he left. Did everything in his power to make sure we were together on weekends. My friends were so jealous because of how thoughtful he was and how he went out of his way to spoil me. He was every womans' dream and now he was mine. I had no idea of the nightmare I was getting myself into. Love is blind. I saw the red flags and I chose to ignore them because I trusted him to do the right thing by me.

The Powder Mistress

They say hindsight is 20/20. Did I see it and choose to ignore it, or did I honestly not know? I can honestly say that I knew. I knew and I was in such denial that a man I had found again years later, that I was getting married to, and having a child with would do this to me.This whole situation is not my fault, it's just my fault that I let it go on so long. If this had been due to another woman, I could have competed. (I wouldn't have because I will not take second place to anyone, but I could have.) The powder mistress is much stonger than any flesh and blood person.She calls all hours of the day and night. She has a certain scent that make all who have affairs with her weak. She has in insatiable appetite. She targets everyone. Even if you choose to steer clear of her personally, she still has a way to destroy your life.She sneaks in and takes everything and in her selfish wake leaves nothing. She is the temptress known as COCAINE.For all of us who don't personally have a problem with drugs, if someone we love does, then we also inherently have one also. This could run on with all the details of the last years of my life, and slowly I will share it all. By keeping quiet I have only enabled his drug problem. This blog is mainly a place for me to express myself and, if in the process, I can help others to see a pattern with someone in their own life, then my situation will not be in vane.Everything in life happens for a reason and everything we encounter through out it is our opportunity for a CBE (character building experience). It is what we take away that helps us to grow, and if we are not learning and growing then we are dying. To all those who have assisted me during this time, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and to all those who are living what I am, my heart goes out to you. Be stong-it's not your fault. Surround yourself with positive people. Share your story-don't keep enabling the user because you lose power. Take it back!