So as I was driving home from work yesterday it hit me. The fact that I was sick and worn down caused me to give in to the emotional turmoil and deny it no longer. With the winter being so harsh school has been called alot so that means that I don't get paid. I went to my grandma's house and broke. I borrowed money from my grandfather and told him that I had no idea when I would be able to pay him back. It is not supposed to be this way and I finally placed blame which is so unlike me but now I am so full of anger and hatred.
I truly hate WOS! I hate the person he is, what he stands for, his mixed up sense of reality. It is not right that he can just go through life without a care for having money while I struggle to start over and am 3 months behind on everything. I truly hate him. I didn't want to hate him because to me, in some small way, it meant I still cared. I don't. I want this stupid divorce over. I want to screw him the worse than he has me. I am not going to be nice when it comes to court and when he does see his daughter, even though I will try and bite my tongue when shes around, I will tell him exactly what I think of him. I am tired of him calling me from his crack whore and homewreckers numbers. If he can't bring something every time he comes then he doesn't need to come over. We do better when he stays away.
I never should have fallen asleep in RG's arms the other night. It's not the fact that it was him but it made me realize that I just want to be loved again. Hard core porn sex is great, but so is making love with a person who you love. I want that. I want to be able to have both kinds of sex with the same person.
On a happy note: due to the fact that I have been sick two pairs of jeans now fit which did not before so I am motivated to go to the next size down. 3 sizes to go til May 10th.
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